trying times and challenging daily situations

situations that seem to be triggering my relapse are all around

not parties or anything, although that is there too, but more so the stress and depression around me

i feel as though i am the center of a cyclone that is quickly destroying everything I come near

i havent played music in what feels like years, I teach music for work, but just sitting down and playing, I cant remember the last time that I was able to do that and I miss it to death and by extension I miss myself

I intuitively know that the man that I used to be is gone, he isnt coming back, but hell what can you do?

last saturday, I went to a party and I didnt drink one drop, until monday, where I just drank myself to sleep and i feel as though control is a myth

I dont know how I am suppossed to help anyone, if I cant even help myself, I miss my family and wish I could see them just one more time, but I cant and my memories haunt my days and nights

i feel as though there is nothing left to fight for, but maybe it's just today, I hope so and tomorrow will be better

one of my biggest fears is being defined by what I could have been