gonna miss this

I like the idea of blogging although some part of me feels like it is just trying to hard to be self important, but that's only a small part of me

the majority of me, likes the idea of sharing

I know that I have grown up so much this, largely due to things outside of my control

at times I feel as though my world has been lit on fire and there is nothing I can do but sit back and watch

lately though, I feel a change over me, perhaps it is the fact that my time here at usc is done, or prehaps I know that despite all the heartbreak, the setbacks, the days were I feel as though I cant do anything right

there is a silver lining

I have a feeling that teaching is going to heal me, maybe that's why I am set on becoming a doctor

because I intuitively know that the only way to get my life back is to simply give it away

Dr Olsen, thank you for being simply beyond words

Let's get Statistical, Statistical...you know to the tune of Let's Get Physical

here are some statistics that I found on alcohol abuse

Alcohol Statistics

• More than 100,000 U.S. deaths are caused by excessive alcohol consumption each year. Direct and indirect causes of death include drunk driving, cirrhosis of the liver, falls, cancer, and stroke.¹
  
  
• At least once a year, the guidelines for low risk drinking are exceeded by an estimated 74% of male drinkers and 72% of female drinkers aged 21 and older.²
  
  
• 65% of youth surveyed said that they got the alcohol they drink from family and friends.⁷
  
  
• Nearly 14 million Americans meet diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorders.⁵
  
  
• Youth who drink alcohol are 50 times more likely to use cocaine than those who never drink alcohol.³
  
  
• Among current adult drinkers, more than half say they have a blood relative who is or was an alcoholic or problem drinker.¹
  
  
• Across people of all ages, males are four times as likely as females to be heavy drinkers.¹
  
  
• More than 18% of Americans experience alcohol abuse or alcohol dependence at some time in their lives.⁶
  
  
• Traffic crashes are the greatest single cause of death for persons aged 6–33. About 45% of these fatalities are in alcohol-related crashes.⁴
  
  
• Underage drinking costs the United States more than $58 billion every year — enough to buy every public school student a state-of-the-art computer.²
  
  
• Alcohol is the most commonly used drug among young people.¹
  
  
• Problem drinkers average four times as many days in the hospital as nondrinkers — mostly because of drinking-related injuries.¹
  
  
• Alcohol kills 6½ times more youth than all other illicit drugs combined.²
  
  
• Concerning the past 30 days, 50% of high school seniors report drinking, with 32% report being drunk at least once.²

Here's what the Centers for Disease Control had to say:

Prevalence

• Percent of adults who drank alcohol in the past year: 61% (2006)
• Percent of current drinkers who had five or more drinks on at least one day in the past year: 20% (2006)

Source: Health, United States, 2008, Table 68, 69

Mortality

• Number of alcohol-induced deaths, excluding accidents and homicides: 21,634
• Number of alcoholic liver disease deaths: 12,928

after examining all of this data I feel as though I am not alone in my struggles

wow, so close

I cant believe how fast this semester is just flying by

and

how far behind I am!

My mother's b-day is tomorrow, she would have been 44. I made a cake in her honor it was really good, atleast I thought so

it's odd, I thought the memories would trigger a drinking episode, but the only thing that I felt was guilt and shame, simply because I know my parents would want more for me

I know I can do better. Just taking it one day at a time...

trying times and challenging daily situations

situations that seem to be triggering my relapse are all around

not parties or anything, although that is there too, but more so the stress and depression around me

i feel as though i am the center of a cyclone that is quickly destroying everything I come near

i havent played music in what feels like years, I teach music for work, but just sitting down and playing, I cant remember the last time that I was able to do that and I miss it to death and by extension I miss myself

I intuitively know that the man that I used to be is gone, he isnt coming back, but hell what can you do?

last saturday, I went to a party and I didnt drink one drop, until monday, where I just drank myself to sleep and i feel as though control is a myth

I dont know how I am suppossed to help anyone, if I cant even help myself, I miss my family and wish I could see them just one more time, but I cant and my memories haunt my days and nights

i feel as though there is nothing left to fight for, but maybe it's just today, I hope so and tomorrow will be better

one of my biggest fears is being defined by what I could have been

sheesh i cant believe how fast every thing is now

it's ridiculous how fast the semester has caught fire, I feel as though I am constantly frenzied with a barrage of "to do lists" and it is quite unnerving but at the same time, I do feel that I have alot of work that needs to get done for me to be on the right path

i have been exercising regularly due to the necessity that I simply feel better when I do exercise and I love the idea of being able to be active


i havent necessarily lost any weight, but I just want to maintain what I currently have and maybe get a little stronger :)

the future seems bright and hopeful, I helped move my brother to live with my aunt this weekend and however heartbreaking it is I know it's the best for him

I feel as though I am running out to time, that I am so close, but so far

I know I can be more, but the unknown simply terrifies me, but simultaneously excites me

I cannot wish for change, I must be that agent of change

some helpful links

I have scoured the web to find relevant links and it actually was quite easy, especially when relating it to alcohol abuse

http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash

http://alcoholism.about.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_help_treatment_prevention.htm

these resources are quite good

the resources that usc affords are quite good also, these are especially useful considering that I got dropped from Kaiser two weeks ago and no particular reason was cited, but that is another issue entirely

but defintely the AA website is one of the best resources because it allows me to find local chapter and attend accordingly

midterm oh midterm

so yah I am studying for the midterm and working on other classes simultaneously, on the eve of war, I am nervous, but excited to show what I know.

no health talk tonight, just hoping that I stay sober enough to finish studying,

alright back to the grind

barriers

well let's see barriers to change

3 really important ones would be

1. That I understand that my drinking is actually a problem

2. That I need to reach out and utilize the proper services

3. Need to be honest with myself about where I am at currently and where I need to go

I see these as barriers especially when considering theories such as the health belief model or trans theorhetical model

i know the exact problem but I need to figure out how to create the self-efficacy to go even a few days without drinking (because I have still been drinking on a fairly regular basis)

ways to overcome them (however idealistic) would be to continue going to AA meetings, continue to do other forms of therapy, research more about impulse control and the concept of riding it out

also to create more social networks that actively discourage drinking or at least make me a bit more conscious of it

reminding myself

feeling oddly poetic....

I've been here before and stare across the table

My only friend is whats left inside a bottle

Addiction takes its toll I'm left without a reason

And fighting this alone has only made my wounds deepen

Still hope is not so far away, and love wants to heal all the shame

I lie about the hurt I bare and hide behind smiles I wear

I feel alone, admitting all the weaknesses and faults and failures through the years

And reaching out, I know I am no longer alone

Still hope is not so far away, and love wants to heal all the shame

a more pressing health concern....

caution: after reading this post you might not look at me the same, which is fine I am only human

I have been battling alcoholism for about a year and the question might be raised why didnt I select this as the health behavior I need to change?

simple, I have been rationalizing my problem to myself for quite some time, I cant anymore, I want to stop lying to myself that it is a problem

no 23, (soon to turn 24) should be battling with this

due to personal hardship this year, I turned to alcohol as a means to, what I thought would be addressing my problem, but obviously that is simply avoidance

my drinking was so bad last semester that many times I came to class buzzed, thinking it would kill all the pain

all the while only exacerbating it, making the lows even lower

one moment in particular, I drank so hard, I blacked out and had to be hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning

someone looking in, would say that I am simply throwing away my life, and it wasnt until this weekend that I began to believe that, saturday I drank so much, my 12 year old brother had to help me to bed

and when I woke up the next morning, I remembered everything, I dont want him to grow up resenting me for not being there for him, for not being better for him, we all need reasons to get up and keep going, my brothers are mine

I have felt so alone for so long, all the while not admitting that I couldnt possibly do all of this on my own

I went to my first AA meeting this past monday, it was heartbreaking because I was reminded of what I could have potentially lost due to my addiction and more importantly, I am using that as my reason for change

the same people who inspire me to change, are the ones who are supportive of that change

to my brothers, I love you with all that I have, and I know that right now I am not 100%, but I am slowly getting there

I also want to be better because I know that I can be, I wasnt accepted into medical school and teach for america, as some sort of random chance, I am capable, but I need to start running in the right direction and this is why I am changing my goal to becoming completely sober

today is day 2 of my sobriety, whoever said change was easy, didnt change the right thing

short and sweet

well i have to make this short for time contraints, our presentation is today and I think it will be good

as far as regularly excercising, that has been difficult, life always seems to get in the way, so I am simply doing my best to eat healthier than I normally do, simply because I cant make it to the gym all the time

my twelve year old was sick this week, so I havent even really been able to go to work, because his needs come first, but again, I find little ways to behave in the healthy manner and that keeps to afloat in these stressful times.

veeral

Almost 11,000 Calories...oh yes, in a weekend

well let's see how is the whole fitness thing coming along?

poorly, I decided instead to act like a four year old and do the exact opposite of what we were supposed to do, which was to mark down everything we ate for two days and eat as healthy as possible.

I did only half the assignment, I decided to eat as UNhealthy as I possibly could

so after some deliberation, I decided that what I was going to need to do was eat as much bad stuff as I could get my hands on [I dont recommend eating the following on any sort of regular basis people]

before i get into the nitty gritty of what I actually ended up consuming in my weekend extravaganza, I actually want to highlight two things

my motivation for change and who inspires me to change
I feel motivated to change because I understand that I only have one body and no matter what I do to it, it will still give me a 150%, so I should really consider repaying the favor, Health is a lifetime ordeal and I want to have as many healthy years of life as I possibly can

I want to change for my family, (really original I know), but I am the caretaker for my twelve year old brother, so I figure, I should try and be more of a role model, instead of always being valedictorian of the school for bare minimums

alright anyways, now I will do the complete opposite of my aspirations and divulge what I consumed this weekend

Saturday/Sunday
For pretty much both days I ate the same thing, I will never again do this, because I was horrendously sick on monday, but you live and hopefully you learn

Breakfast @ McDonald's (1700)
2 x Sausage Biscuit with Egg (large Biscuit) = 570 x 2= 1140
2 x Hash Browns = 150 x 2 = 300
1 x Orange Juice [large] = 250

Lunch @ Farmer Boy's (1800)
1 x Farmer's Burger = 1112
1 x side of French Fries = 622/2 = 311 (I could only eat half)

Dinner @ Burger King (1900)
1 x Double Whopper = 990
1 x King onion Rings = 500
1 x Vanilla Shake = 400

so yeah I ate that on both days, it cost me a pretty penny, but I probably lost two years of my life

wow, I will never ever do this again, but in two days I nearly ate 11,000 calories, yah...

week 2: okay scratch that completely!!!!

okay well as you can see from my face my initial goal of five fruits and vegetables is a complete bust!

the reason being is that I am already reaching that, so now my goal is still to meditate, play my guitar, write music and keep myself at the same weight (170) but become leaner and stronger

I can hear my fanclub asking, how veeral, tell me how?

well I will, well everyday, I will be increasing the amount that I do cardio and as far as my weight lifting, it will be more repetitions at a moderate weight level, let's face it I do not want to be He-man, but nonetheless I want to be as the British say "fit"

My goal is complicated by a couple of things:
1. After being accepted into Teach for America, I have to do my practicum now, which translates to atleast 25 hours of work a week, on top of my other job, so I will be working nearly 40 hours, taking care of my family as well as taking four classes (sounds like a jolly good time mate!)

2. I really want to go the gym before class, because after 5pm the gym is way, way too crowded, and I think I might have a fear of crowds, which makes life so much more complicated

so, yah, that's where I am at, I already know this change is not going to be easy, but hell if it were, everyone would do it right?

I was thinking about uploading a song via video of me playing, I am getting set to launch my youtube channel, let me know what yall think

alright, I will post more this week, probably mid weeeeeekkkkkkkkk

Week 1 - Best Laid Plans

well alright, let's go over what I believe to be the goals for me in the next sixteen weeks.

I want to calm down, become more centered and I believe this is doable, I just have to push myself. I plan to mediate for about 30 minutes each day using a cd recommended by a friend. Since, I teach music part time, I will actually take some time to play music for myself, just to relax instead of in any structured environment, some time to write some music also. Personal guitar playing will be about 30-45 minutes a day, just consisting of playing whatever pops in my head.

I want to change my eating habits, which I have started this week
so each day this week my diet has consisted of the following:
1 banana
2 little sunshine oranges
oatmeal
1 bag of carrots
1 glass of V8 fusion juice
1 grilled chicken breast courtesy of my George Foreman grill (yah baby!)
1 lean pocket

although some nights this past week I did go out, and partake in outside dining like sushi and some alcoholic beverages of Friday

I am also doing my best to wean myself off of coffee and diet pepsi jazz, but being an addict is easy and getting clean is hard, I will keep track of how much I depend on those this coming week and will blog about this in the following entry.

Also I like this blogging idea, it is oddly theraputic simply because, even if no one reads it, it is just nice to digitally verbalize my thoughts.