gonna miss this

I like the idea of blogging although some part of me feels like it is just trying to hard to be self important, but that's only a small part of me

the majority of me, likes the idea of sharing

I know that I have grown up so much this, largely due to things outside of my control

at times I feel as though my world has been lit on fire and there is nothing I can do but sit back and watch

lately though, I feel a change over me, perhaps it is the fact that my time here at usc is done, or prehaps I know that despite all the heartbreak, the setbacks, the days were I feel as though I cant do anything right

there is a silver lining

I have a feeling that teaching is going to heal me, maybe that's why I am set on becoming a doctor

because I intuitively know that the only way to get my life back is to simply give it away

Dr Olsen, thank you for being simply beyond words

Let's get Statistical, Statistical...you know to the tune of Let's Get Physical

here are some statistics that I found on alcohol abuse

Alcohol Statistics

• More than 100,000 U.S. deaths are caused by excessive alcohol consumption each year. Direct and indirect causes of death include drunk driving, cirrhosis of the liver, falls, cancer, and stroke.¹
  
  
• At least once a year, the guidelines for low risk drinking are exceeded by an estimated 74% of male drinkers and 72% of female drinkers aged 21 and older.²
  
  
• 65% of youth surveyed said that they got the alcohol they drink from family and friends.⁷
  
  
• Nearly 14 million Americans meet diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorders.⁵
  
  
• Youth who drink alcohol are 50 times more likely to use cocaine than those who never drink alcohol.³
  
  
• Among current adult drinkers, more than half say they have a blood relative who is or was an alcoholic or problem drinker.¹
  
  
• Across people of all ages, males are four times as likely as females to be heavy drinkers.¹
  
  
• More than 18% of Americans experience alcohol abuse or alcohol dependence at some time in their lives.⁶
  
  
• Traffic crashes are the greatest single cause of death for persons aged 6–33. About 45% of these fatalities are in alcohol-related crashes.⁴
  
  
• Underage drinking costs the United States more than $58 billion every year — enough to buy every public school student a state-of-the-art computer.²
  
  
• Alcohol is the most commonly used drug among young people.¹
  
  
• Problem drinkers average four times as many days in the hospital as nondrinkers — mostly because of drinking-related injuries.¹
  
  
• Alcohol kills 6½ times more youth than all other illicit drugs combined.²
  
  
• Concerning the past 30 days, 50% of high school seniors report drinking, with 32% report being drunk at least once.²

Here's what the Centers for Disease Control had to say:

Prevalence

• Percent of adults who drank alcohol in the past year: 61% (2006)
• Percent of current drinkers who had five or more drinks on at least one day in the past year: 20% (2006)

Source: Health, United States, 2008, Table 68, 69

Mortality

• Number of alcohol-induced deaths, excluding accidents and homicides: 21,634
• Number of alcoholic liver disease deaths: 12,928

after examining all of this data I feel as though I am not alone in my struggles

wow, so close

I cant believe how fast this semester is just flying by

and

how far behind I am!

My mother's b-day is tomorrow, she would have been 44. I made a cake in her honor it was really good, atleast I thought so

it's odd, I thought the memories would trigger a drinking episode, but the only thing that I felt was guilt and shame, simply because I know my parents would want more for me

I know I can do better. Just taking it one day at a time...

trying times and challenging daily situations

situations that seem to be triggering my relapse are all around

not parties or anything, although that is there too, but more so the stress and depression around me

i feel as though i am the center of a cyclone that is quickly destroying everything I come near

i havent played music in what feels like years, I teach music for work, but just sitting down and playing, I cant remember the last time that I was able to do that and I miss it to death and by extension I miss myself

I intuitively know that the man that I used to be is gone, he isnt coming back, but hell what can you do?

last saturday, I went to a party and I didnt drink one drop, until monday, where I just drank myself to sleep and i feel as though control is a myth

I dont know how I am suppossed to help anyone, if I cant even help myself, I miss my family and wish I could see them just one more time, but I cant and my memories haunt my days and nights

i feel as though there is nothing left to fight for, but maybe it's just today, I hope so and tomorrow will be better

one of my biggest fears is being defined by what I could have been

sheesh i cant believe how fast every thing is now

it's ridiculous how fast the semester has caught fire, I feel as though I am constantly frenzied with a barrage of "to do lists" and it is quite unnerving but at the same time, I do feel that I have alot of work that needs to get done for me to be on the right path

i have been exercising regularly due to the necessity that I simply feel better when I do exercise and I love the idea of being able to be active


i havent necessarily lost any weight, but I just want to maintain what I currently have and maybe get a little stronger :)

the future seems bright and hopeful, I helped move my brother to live with my aunt this weekend and however heartbreaking it is I know it's the best for him

I feel as though I am running out to time, that I am so close, but so far

I know I can be more, but the unknown simply terrifies me, but simultaneously excites me

I cannot wish for change, I must be that agent of change

some helpful links

I have scoured the web to find relevant links and it actually was quite easy, especially when relating it to alcohol abuse

http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash

http://alcoholism.about.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_help_treatment_prevention.htm

these resources are quite good

the resources that usc affords are quite good also, these are especially useful considering that I got dropped from Kaiser two weeks ago and no particular reason was cited, but that is another issue entirely

but defintely the AA website is one of the best resources because it allows me to find local chapter and attend accordingly

midterm oh midterm

so yah I am studying for the midterm and working on other classes simultaneously, on the eve of war, I am nervous, but excited to show what I know.

no health talk tonight, just hoping that I stay sober enough to finish studying,

alright back to the grind