reminding myself

feeling oddly poetic....

I've been here before and stare across the table

My only friend is whats left inside a bottle

Addiction takes its toll I'm left without a reason

And fighting this alone has only made my wounds deepen

Still hope is not so far away, and love wants to heal all the shame

I lie about the hurt I bare and hide behind smiles I wear

I feel alone, admitting all the weaknesses and faults and failures through the years

And reaching out, I know I am no longer alone

Still hope is not so far away, and love wants to heal all the shame

a more pressing health concern....

caution: after reading this post you might not look at me the same, which is fine I am only human

I have been battling alcoholism for about a year and the question might be raised why didnt I select this as the health behavior I need to change?

simple, I have been rationalizing my problem to myself for quite some time, I cant anymore, I want to stop lying to myself that it is a problem

no 23, (soon to turn 24) should be battling with this

due to personal hardship this year, I turned to alcohol as a means to, what I thought would be addressing my problem, but obviously that is simply avoidance

my drinking was so bad last semester that many times I came to class buzzed, thinking it would kill all the pain

all the while only exacerbating it, making the lows even lower

one moment in particular, I drank so hard, I blacked out and had to be hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning

someone looking in, would say that I am simply throwing away my life, and it wasnt until this weekend that I began to believe that, saturday I drank so much, my 12 year old brother had to help me to bed

and when I woke up the next morning, I remembered everything, I dont want him to grow up resenting me for not being there for him, for not being better for him, we all need reasons to get up and keep going, my brothers are mine

I have felt so alone for so long, all the while not admitting that I couldnt possibly do all of this on my own

I went to my first AA meeting this past monday, it was heartbreaking because I was reminded of what I could have potentially lost due to my addiction and more importantly, I am using that as my reason for change

the same people who inspire me to change, are the ones who are supportive of that change

to my brothers, I love you with all that I have, and I know that right now I am not 100%, but I am slowly getting there

I also want to be better because I know that I can be, I wasnt accepted into medical school and teach for america, as some sort of random chance, I am capable, but I need to start running in the right direction and this is why I am changing my goal to becoming completely sober

today is day 2 of my sobriety, whoever said change was easy, didnt change the right thing

short and sweet

well i have to make this short for time contraints, our presentation is today and I think it will be good

as far as regularly excercising, that has been difficult, life always seems to get in the way, so I am simply doing my best to eat healthier than I normally do, simply because I cant make it to the gym all the time

my twelve year old was sick this week, so I havent even really been able to go to work, because his needs come first, but again, I find little ways to behave in the healthy manner and that keeps to afloat in these stressful times.

veeral

Almost 11,000 Calories...oh yes, in a weekend

well let's see how is the whole fitness thing coming along?

poorly, I decided instead to act like a four year old and do the exact opposite of what we were supposed to do, which was to mark down everything we ate for two days and eat as healthy as possible.

I did only half the assignment, I decided to eat as UNhealthy as I possibly could

so after some deliberation, I decided that what I was going to need to do was eat as much bad stuff as I could get my hands on [I dont recommend eating the following on any sort of regular basis people]

before i get into the nitty gritty of what I actually ended up consuming in my weekend extravaganza, I actually want to highlight two things

my motivation for change and who inspires me to change
I feel motivated to change because I understand that I only have one body and no matter what I do to it, it will still give me a 150%, so I should really consider repaying the favor, Health is a lifetime ordeal and I want to have as many healthy years of life as I possibly can

I want to change for my family, (really original I know), but I am the caretaker for my twelve year old brother, so I figure, I should try and be more of a role model, instead of always being valedictorian of the school for bare minimums

alright anyways, now I will do the complete opposite of my aspirations and divulge what I consumed this weekend

Saturday/Sunday
For pretty much both days I ate the same thing, I will never again do this, because I was horrendously sick on monday, but you live and hopefully you learn

Breakfast @ McDonald's (1700)
2 x Sausage Biscuit with Egg (large Biscuit) = 570 x 2= 1140
2 x Hash Browns = 150 x 2 = 300
1 x Orange Juice [large] = 250

Lunch @ Farmer Boy's (1800)
1 x Farmer's Burger = 1112
1 x side of French Fries = 622/2 = 311 (I could only eat half)

Dinner @ Burger King (1900)
1 x Double Whopper = 990
1 x King onion Rings = 500
1 x Vanilla Shake = 400

so yeah I ate that on both days, it cost me a pretty penny, but I probably lost two years of my life

wow, I will never ever do this again, but in two days I nearly ate 11,000 calories, yah...